3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 2)

3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 2)

by | Leadership

3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 2)

Photo by Ashim D’Silva 

 Welcome back to this series on the three things we can learn from Nelson Mandela about positive influence. Go check out part 1 if you missed it. The idea for this series came from the book Playing the Enemy by John Carlin.  

 In “Playing the Enemy” there’s a story that takes place the day after Nelson Mandela won (May 10, 1994) the Presidential election in South Africa.  Just to add some context these were the first multi-racial Presidential elections in the South Africa’s history and many feared that the country was on the brink of a civil war based. 

The day after winning the Presidential elections, Mandela visited the office of the former President’s chief of staff. The former President was known as one of the key figures fighting to keep apartheid (according to Oxford dictionary- Apartheid is a policy or system of segregation or discrimination on grounds of race.) in place.

Anticipating his firing, especially with the start of the country’s first black presidency, the chief of staff was packing his belongings and preparing to move on when Mandela walked into his office and said,

“You know this job. I don’t. I am from the bush. I am ignorant. Now, if you stay with me it would be just for one term, that is all. Five years. And then, of course, you would be free to leave, now, please understand me: this is not an order. I would like to have you here only if you wish to stay and share your knowledge and your experience with me. “

 That was Mandela’s way of sincerely asking for help because he needed it. Of course, Mandela wasn’t an ignorant man from the bush.

Mandela was a trained lawyer, the leader the biggest opposition movement, the person most credited for bringing multi-racial elections to South Africa, and had brought much unwanted attention to South Africa on account of its apartheid system.

Oh yeah and he was the new President. 

So what can we take from this story?

  1. It’s Okay to Show Vulnerability

The first thing I found was that instead of relying on his newfound authority as President to force the chief of staff to work for him, Mandela did the opposite.  He relied on his vulnerability and not on his title or newfound authority.

Being vulnerable sounds so simple, but it’s hard for leaders to embrace. Why?

As leaders our natural reaction is to do the opposite. We believe that vulnerability is a sign of weakness so we do everything possible to avoid showing any signs that make us seem less than capable.

 However, when used at the right time and for the right reasons being vulnerable is one of those things that makes us most human.  It leads to connection. That’s a good thing.

 I worked for a boss once who would ofter ask for my opinion because he didn’t know something or wanted to hear from more perspectives. I didn’t think any less of him; it was the opposite.

 It was a win-win. I felt appreciated, included, and empowered. 

 Being fully human isn’t a sign of weakness. We need to stop pretending that being a leader means you’re perfect.  Needing help and not having all the answer doesn’t make you any less of a leader.  

 This realization is important because this helps build trust.

It takes courage to be vulnerable in front of others, to ask for help, and admit you don’t have all the answers. 

I’m not proposing that we go around just asking everyone for help and trying to manipulate others. You can’t fake vulnerability. Well I’m sure you can, but you shouldn’t it because It’s wrong and because people will see right through your act.

  1. Ask for Help When Needed

The second thing I picked up from this story and from Mandela was his ability to get the right help when needed regardless if they agreed with him or not. He didn’t try to do things on his own all time. There were times when he had to make decisions that went against his political party, but he listened first and then decided on the action needed. 

Mandela was very intentional about surrounding himself with the right people even if they did not agree him on everything. This is really important because we all have biases. Research has demonstrated that people feel more comfortable with people who look like themselves. 

But the problem here is that familiarity or comfortableness doesn’t equate to effectiveness. Mandela didn’t seem to care about that. He was more focused on the mission and getting the right kind of help instead of thinking he could do it on his own.

As leaders we have to stop believing in the myth of the “Self-made” person.  Everyone needs help with something.

  1. Put Your Ego Away

The final thing I picked up from this story has to do with ego.

You see one of the biggest problems or obstacles for leadership is you. It’s not other people, your circumstances, your goals. It’s your ego.

On multiple occasions Mandela put his ego to the side and focused on the greater mission. I think it was due to his focus on the bigger mission that he was able to ignore his ego.

Could you imagine asking your political rivals or people who you know distrust you for help? It’s hard to imagine, right?

The reason for this is because of our ego. Sometimes our ego is calling the shots so when it takes over instead of making decisions that make sense we focus on things that we think make us look good (smart, in control, etc) instead of doing what’s right.

When you put your ego to side it really helps us build trust and connection in addition to making better decisions.

Which one of these ideas comes easiest and hardest for you to apply? And why?

3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 1)

3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 1)

by | Leadership, Personal Development

3 Things Nelson Mandela Can Teach Us About Influence (Part 1)

Then-President Nelson Mandela revisits his South African prison cell on Robben Island, where he spent 18 of his 27 years in prison, in 1994. (Jurgen Schadeberg / Getty Images)

In preparation for my move to South Africa I’ve been learning about the country by reading about Nelson Mandela. I recently read the book “Playing The Enemy” by John Carlin which was turned into the Hollywood film “Invictus” starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon.

Once again, the book is 100 times better than the movie.

As I read the book, I picked up on three distinctive and practical things about Mandela’s leadership and especially ability to influence that I wanted to share and remember myself.

I’ll devote one blog post to each of the three traits I found. Why 3 separate posts? Because I have a day job and don’t have time to spend all day writing.

Okay so back to the story…

While serving over 27 years in prison, it was around Mandela’s 11th year of incarceration that he decided to change the methods he was using to pursue the end of apartheid (defined “as a policy or system of segregation or discrimination on grounds of race.”)

Mandela went from a more militant tactic to a softer and collaborative approach.

His goal was the same, but the strategy changed.

To fight against apartheid and all the injustices black South Africans suffered mostly at the hands of the Afrikaners, “South Africa’s dominant white tribe” as Carlin describes them, Mandela started by winning over his prison guards.

He believed that if he could influence his prison guards to work with him, he could persuade the entire white population of South Africa to do the same. After convincing one of his guards to loan him a “hot plate” to heat his food — this was forbidden– Mandela convinced himself his plan was possible.

So how did he influence the guard?

By showing dignity and respect.

Seriously. That was it.

He won over the first guard by giving him the very thing Mandela has being denied him. Respect.

He showed the prison guards so much respect they eventually started treating him differently. But he never accepted any treatment that was deemed to be make him feel inferior.  

Those years in prison gave Mandela time to reflect. Instead of seeing white people as an “enemy” he showed them as much respect as possible by studying their culture, history, and even teaching himself their language.

During this transformative process he came to see Afrikaners not as racist or evil people, but as a group whose views on race at the time were “misguided” and in need of redemption.  

The second thing Mandela did was use emotional intelligence.

Mandela had every right to react to the poor treatment he was receiving from the criminal justice system by fighting back, resisting, or responding with violence. But he didn’t.

In the book “Getting Past No” the author, William Ury writes, 

“Objects react. Minds can choose not to.”

Mandela’s mind chose not to. And instead he did what Ury describes as “Going to the balcony” which is a,

“metaphor for a mental detachment. From the balcony you can calmly evaluate the conflict almost as if you were a third party. You can think constructively for both sides and look for a mutually satisfactory way to resolve the problem.”

So What’s the big idea?

Mandela’s goal wasn’t to beat and then punish Afrikaners, but to include them in the rebuilding of South Africa. He wanted to unify the country.

This reminds me of an African proverb an Ambassador I worked for loved to quote,

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

If we see others simply as enemies or an obstacle to our goals we’re losing out on the potential to have an alley and to collaboratively solve problems.  

Mandela teaches that you can–

Turn Your Enemy Into An Alley

 

Sometimes the enemy is not who or what we think it is. In this case, the real enemies were:

-Ignorance

– Fear of the unknown

– Hunger for political power

– Indifference to the struggles of others

– Inability for people to question cultural and political norms.

He realized his fight was against ignorance and fear and not against white South Africans. 

So what about you?

Are there any enemies or adversaries you can start to see as allies in order to accomplish a bigger goal? 

Does Fame Equal Security?

Does Fame Equal Security?

by | Leadership

Rosa Parks’s mugshot, 1955. Universal History Archive/UIG via Getty

When I was a kid people wanted to be rich. Now they want to be famous. Thanks a lot social media!

Today being famous is a career in and of itself. But what’s it all for? And after getting famous, what comes next?

I recently listened to an audio book about the civil rights leader Rosa Parks called “The Rebellious Life of Rosa Parks” by Jeanne Theoharis and there’s a part where the author is describing Mrs. Park’s life after the successful boycott of the Montgomery bus transportation system in 1955 and 1956.

Despite her notoriety, becoming a household name, and being credited as “the mother of civil rights movement, Mrs. Parks lived the rest of her life in economic instability due to her role in the movement.

In the years following the boycott, Mrs. Parks was fired from her job and found it nearly impossible to find adequate employment again because of the attention that followed her– both good and bad. Despite the victory of the boycott and the subsequent changes to our laws and country, her husband was forced to quit his job as a barber because his employer didn’t want him talking about the boycott or his wife.

At one point when describing Mrs. Park’s dire financial situation, the author said,

“… fame did not equal security” 

I was shocked to learn that Mrs. Parks spent the rest of her life financially destitute despite being smart, hard working, intelligent, so important to the Civil Rights movement, and of course being so FAMOUS.

Today there seems to be such an emphasis on being famous, having followers, and getting “likes” that we can easily get distracted from what really matters.

Being famous is just, well, being famous. 

Somehow the companies behind the biggest social media apps have managed to convince us that it’s all about getting attention. We’ve been tricked into believing more attention is better.

If you’re in business I get it. It’s called marketing and you want to be seen, but the problem with this idea is believing that being seen solves all of your business problems. If you have a great offer and an awesome product that’s great.

But if you don’t have anything of value being seen is a terrible idea because those people aren’t coming back. However, that’s not my biggest concern.

The problem with making social media popularity your #1 thing:

 

1. The problem is that we’re focusing on being seen at the expense of actually building a portfolio of real work. Social media is not where you can build a portfolio of your work.

Why?

Because you don’t own that real estate. It belong to those companies and they can shut you down whenever they want.

2. Focusing on social media can distract you from the constant improvement of a special craft. I heard a radio interview recently and the hosts explained that one of the reasons we are seeing more British actors in American movies and TV shows is because they focus on their craft in contrast to American actors who are spending more time building their social media following.

3. Focusing on social media distracts us from doing stuff that really matters for the financial benefit of another company. When you’re old and reflecting on your life I doubt that you’re doing say, “I wish I posted more on Facebook.”

I’m not against social media, but I am against not thinking and anything that distracts us from what really matters. I heard someone say recently,

“If something is free you are the product.”

 

How about if instead of being famous the goal is being effective at stuff that really matters? Would that make things better?

I heard Pastor TD Jakes say recently in one of the best interviews I have ever heard in my life,

“I don’t want to be famous. I want to be effective.”

 Isn’t that a better approach for life and business?

Imagine what would happen to society if the value and affirmation we received came from being effective at things that truly matter.

Previously, I was trying to use Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and other stuff for my business. The goal was to get noticed. That’s what most of the gurus teach except for people like Sam Ovens  and Carl Newport.

Now I want to treat my side-hustle (vocation) and my life more like a craft. I want to get better at it gradually instead of trying to get noticed first.

I know I probably sound like the old guy yelling,

“GET OFF MY LAWN!”

But I feel like we’re not asking ourselves “why” when we so easily accept new technology.  We have this idea that:

New technology + Social sharing = Good

But is it always true and how much is enough?

I was observing the instagram posts from a college-aged female family member and what I saw online was so different from the person I know in real life. It seems as if online she has a mask, but beneath that mask she’s really crying out for love and attention. 

We’re seeking all of this attention online thinking that it will solve our problems, give us security, and in some cases make us rich and famous.

But in most cases being noticed does not give us the security we’re looking for.

So where do we find the balance in all of this? 

The big names that I know and follow in business started by providing value and becoming really good (effective) at one thing first. They didn’t start by focusing on getting more “followers.”

So we have to ask ourselves the “Why” question more often. 

Why do you do what you do?

Why do you really want a social media following? Is it to increase your impact or just to be famous?

For Mrs. Parks, her fame came due to what her efforts helped accomplish. She did something that had a lasting impact. She wasn’t focused on being famous. She focused on doing the right thing consistently. 

She didn’t benefit financially from her achievements, but her efforts positively impacted an entire country.

When you look back at your life do you want to say that you were famous or that you were effective?

Is Love In Your Leadership Tool Box?

Is Love In Your Leadership Tool Box?

by | Leadership

Is Love In Your Leadership Tool Box?

 In my first book I wrote about the importance of “choosing your response instead of just reacting” to life’s circumstances. But you know what? All that stuff flies out the window when it comes to my kids.

My kids know exactly which buttons to push to drive me crazy. They’re expert button pushers.

There have been plenty of times when I yelled at my kids or overreacted to something trivial they did. I’m not proud of this, so don’t get it twisted.

Sometimes, when I’m frustrated, I play the bad cop role a little too well hoping that fear and intimidation will get them to behave how I want when I want.

Stop judging me! I can feel it.

Fortunately, in those moments my wife helps me think about my actions by asking me “why” I reacted the way I did. And most importantly, she reminds me that we’re raising children and not robots programmed to follow my every command.

Nearly all leadership books are written for the business world, not family life, but home is where it’s most needed. Home is not only a great environment for developing the capacity to lead ourselves it’s also the hardest place to lead yourself and others.

Why?

While at work I lead a lot of employees, at home I’m not a boss and I can’t fire anyone. I don’t have a formal title to hide behind so my family doesn’t have to do anything I say.

I once worked with someone who was in the Army’s Special Forces who said something I’ll never forget. He explained that being a military leader in some respects was easier than being a civilian leader. In the military, he explained, they’ve been trained to follow and execute all orders from their commanders.

Following orders is built into the military’s culture. For civilians on the other hand, it’s different; we don’t have the same culture. It takes more leadership to influence people who are not obligated to follow you.

Don’t take leadership shortcuts.

As leaders, it’s crucial we understand that we can’t force people to act how we want when we want. That’s a good thing because people aren’t robots, right?  

While leading at home we might get a little lazy and act as if we can get by without following the same leadership principles we use at work or in business. And then when things don’t go our way our egos take a big hit and we react.

Respect and loyalty have to be earned; they can’t be bought or forced. And influence and trust are things we have to work for daily and pay for with commitment.

We run into trouble when we depend on titles like boss, father, parent, husband, CEO, President, or Commander to lead.

That’s lazy leadership.

This conversation reminds me of a quote from the greatest movie ever made- Braveheart.

“Men don’t follow titles, they follow courage.”

The Most Epic Quotes From Braveheart

Image credit: https://heartstonejourney.com

Sometimes at home, I don’t communicate as well as I should. Maybe I don’t show as much respect as I should or I might not demonstrate enough appreciation.

These things happen when I take those closest to me for granted. That’s another example of lazy leadership.

The same leadership principles apply at work and at home, but there’s a slight balancing act we have to perform.

Whether at home or at work people are motivated and moved by the same traits. People react in equal measure to how they are being treated.

It’s like the 3rd law of physics:

 For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So what tool do we have to influence and lead people in the long-term?

There’s a balancing act we can use when going between our professional lives and personal lives. And the main tool we have for leading both at home and at work is love.

Yes, love, is a leadership tool.

I know this sounds a little kumbaya, but after leading different teams internationally now for nearly 15 years in four different countries (Cuba, Japan, Rwanda, and Armenia) this is universal. And after being a family man for about the same time, I have learned this personally and not just from reading leadership books.

The Latin root of the word courage is Cor which means heart. It takes heart leadership to be the type of person others want to follow.

  • You need courage to admit mistakes.
  • It takes emotional courage to be humble.
  • We need emotional courage to listen to constructive or negative feedback.
  • Telling people the truth is not always easy especially when you care about them. But leaders who love those around them put their fear aside, grab some courage and tell the truth because they know it will help that person.

Leading at home and leading in the office are the same, but here’s the trick to the balancing act I mentioned earlier. 

We have to lead those we love and love those we lead. 

What does this mean?

Leadership and love go together. It means that at home I have to lead as much as I do at work.  Leadership isn’t a switch you turn on and off. 

It’s easy to love your family, but are you also leading them? Our family members need our leadership more than our employees and coworkers.

But what about at work?

I’m so glad you asked.

I know the idea of loving people at work sounds super weird. But all it means is that we sincerely care for those we are paid to lead and work with. 

Loving your team or employees at work doesn’t mean you’re soft and let people walk all over you like a dirty rug. It means you care enough to mentor or confront when necessary.

When you learn to lead those around you with love all it means is that you want what’s best for them. It means you will make personal sacrifices to help them win, develop them, and counsel them when necessary.

Why?

Because you care.

When people know you care about them they are more likely to listen, work with you, and go out of their way to help you. This reminds me of John Maxwell‘s quote,

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Whether at home or at work when we demonstrate with action and not just words that we care we gain more influence. 

What about your leadership style? Are you leading with fear or with love?

What Should You Do Differently?

What Should You Do Differently?

by | Brand Building, Personal Development

Have you ever repeated the same actions while expecting a different outcome? You know that’s the definition of insanity, right? Sometimes we know we need to change, but don’t do it.

Why?

Well to prevent any further craziness on my part I’m doing things differently with my blog. This time I’m going to follow a basic plan for building a platform/brand which is something I ignored in the past. As I’ve mentioned before, I went straight to the dessert and skipped the main meal when I decided to write my first book instead of investing that time into building a platform.  

Fortunately, I recently rediscovered an ebook I downloaded months ago, but never read. It’s from one of my favorite writers, Jeff Goins called “12 STEPS to make a living WRITING” and it’s is perfect for people like me who starting (or re-starting ) to build an online platform.

It’s a short and action oriented ebook. There’s a section in it where Goins talks about a survey taken by a few thousand writers which revealed that,

“The average writer makes less than a dollar a month off their writing.”

 One. Freaking. Dollar.

That’s insane and unacceptable! Goins explains the reason most writers can’t earn real income from their writing is because they haven’t built an online platform they can monetize.

Why?

Most writers don’t have a plan.  

I’m going to follow the steps Goin recommends in his ebook and see where it takes me and in the process I’m going to share my updates publicly to hold myself accountable, to help others who are interested in doing something similar, and to document my journey to better understand what’s working and what’s not when it comes to building an online platform/brand.

If these steps don’t workout, I’ll ask Goins for my money back! 

Goin’s first step is to “Clarify your message with a worldview statement.” He describes the worldview statement as something that,

“The best writers understand intuitively that the writing we love to read has more to do with style than content. In other words, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it.”

He explains it can be general or specific, but the point is to use it like a compass that guides everything we write and why we write it.

Next, he shares the framework below for writing a worldview statement: 

EVERY [PEOPLE GROUP] CAN/SHOULD [ACTION]

First, for the “PEOPLE GROUP” section, I wrote the rough list below of the groups I’m most interested in helping or working with.  

  1. Everyone person
  2. Men
  3. Fathers
  4. Sons
  5. Communicators
  6. People who failed
  7. Aspiring leaders
  8. Broken people
  9. Life maximizers
  10. Regret minimizers
  11. Aspiring change agents
  12. Impact makers
  13. Purpose seekers
  14. Parents
  15. Influencers
  16. Strong men
  17. Strong people
  18. Purpose Maximizers
  19. Motivated people/individuals
  20. Employees
  21. Thinkers
  22. Teenagers
  23. People lacking hope
  24. Christians
  25. Underdogs
  26. Leaders

Next I separated the ones I found most interesting.

  1. Every person
  2. Underdogs
  3. Aspiring leaders
  4. Motivated people/individuals
  5. Leaders

The two that resonate most are leaders and motivated individuals. I love the idea of helping regular people become extraordinary leaders, so I’d like to focus on motivated individuals who don’t know or fully understand their leadership potential and their impact.

The second half of the equation is the “ACTION” that the group should take so I wrote another list.

  1. Learn to lead
  2. Reach their potential
  3. Make an impact
  4. Have positive influence
  5. Live, love, and lead on purpose (I’ve used this before)
  6. Be the leader needed
  7. Focus on impact and not income
  8. Learn to communicate
  9. Maximize their gifts
  10. Set high goals/ set goals
  11. Live on purpose
  12. Lead on purpose
  13. Push their comfort zone
  14. Choose their mindset, environment, and vision
  15. Develop their own leadership style
  16. Learn to lead themselves
  17. Fill the leadership void
  18. Pursue success
  19. Communicate on purpose
  20. Leave a legacy
  21. Have influence/ be a positive influence

From the list above, the actions I liked most are:

  • Learn to lead
  • Learn to communicate
  • Reach their potential
  • Make an impact
  • Be a positive influence

Next I narrowed my list further:

  1. Learn to lead
  2. Reach their potential
  3. Be a positive influence.

Finally, I wrote about 20 initial drafts and came up with the following worldview statement:

Inspired individuals can make the world a better place when they push their comfort zones, develop their leadership skills, and help others win.

I know my worldview statement will change, but for now it’s important to choose one and go with it. I’ve learned it’s better to start and then tweak as you go instead of always tweaking and never starting.

Don’t laugh at my statement!

It’s a work in progress. Later on, I’ll add a problem that I help others solve but for now it’s easier to move on and edit later. 

Okay so what about you?

What area of your life have you been doing the same thing but are expecting different results? What can you do differently?