Image Credit: Jacqueline Munguía
You can be a good leader or a nice leader, but you can’t be both.
Nice leaders have a major weakness. They prioritize acceptance and agreeableness over effectiveness.
How do I know? I learned it from personal experience.
Years ago, after joining the Foreign Service, they sent me to Kigali, Rwanda for my first assignment. Fresh out of graduate school, I had some work experience but never supervised anyone.
Yet, I found myself leading a 30-person team overnight with no direction from a direct supervisor since that position was vacant.
Have you ever looked back at your life and thought, “That was dumb. Why did I do that?” Today, it’s easy for me to recognize so many of the mistakes I was making.
But there was one leadership mistake that stood out.
At the time, I had no idea what leadership was so I assumed all I had to do was be nice to my employees and everything would work out. I saw leadership as a popularity contest where the goal was to be accepted or liked by everyone.
That was dumb!
I was scared to call people out.
I avoided tough conversations.
I was as soft as a pillow.
But over time, I realized that good leaders aren’t competing for popularity, acceptance, or being liked.
Being a nice leader and being a good leader are not the same.
When we think about great leaders the words that come to mind (at least for me) are:
- Disciplined
- Great communicator
- Ethical
- Courageous
- Action-oriented
- Focused
- Determined
- Resilient
- Mentally tough
- Empathetic
Being nice didn’t make the list.
When being nice, liked, or accepted becomes your goal as a leader you lose the very thing you’re trying to accomplish- influence, respect, and authority.
One of the recurring themes I’ve discovered over the years is that leadership has a lot to do with doing the opposite of what one feels is the easiest thing to do. That’s why leadership sucks.
Yes, it sucks!
Leadership is a constant battle with oneself to do the thing you least want to do—the hard stuff!
You know…
Those hard conversations you’ve been avoiding, firing someone, admitting you made a mistake, putting your ego to the side, etc.
These are unpleasant things to do. Leadership is hard and can be lonely at times. It’s not glamorous. The biggest problem nice leaders have is that they can’t do the hard and uncomfortable stuff.
These are some of the hard things nice leaders struggle with:
- They can’t say no.
- They can’t keep high standards.
- They don’t communicate their boundaries.
- They don’t advocate for their desires, ideas, or aspirations.
- They don’t want to disagree with others to “keep the peace”.
- They don’t ask for what they want.
- They see all conflict as negative so they don’t confront when necessary.
- They say what others want to hear instead of the truth.
- They put up with stuff they know they shouldn’t.
Avoiding the nice leader trap doesn’t mean we need to be jerks (check out my post on Elon Musk). And being nice doesn’t mean you’re being effective either.
An alternative to being nice is being kind.
There’s a big difference between being nice and being kind. Nice is a neutral position that’s reactive, passive, and doesn’t require much thought. But being kind on the other hand takes intentionality because proactive.
And one of the most powerful tools leaders have is love. When you love or deeply care about someone, your team, or something you will go above and beyond for that thing.
The most effective and respected leaders are known for things like love, passion, and character. Niceness is not a leadership tenet.
It’s a trap.
Is your leadership style focused on being nice or being effective?