Is Love In Your Leadership Tool Box?

 In my first book I wrote about the importance of “choosing your response instead of just reacting” to life’s circumstances. But you know what? All that stuff flies out the window when it comes to my kids.

My kids know exactly which buttons to push to drive me crazy. They’re expert button pushers.

There have been plenty of times when I yelled at my kids or overreacted to something trivial they did. I’m not proud of this, so don’t get it twisted.

Sometimes, when I’m frustrated, I play the bad cop role a little too well hoping that fear and intimidation will get them to behave how I want when I want.

Stop judging me! I can feel it.

Fortunately, in those moments my wife helps me think about my actions by asking me “why” I reacted the way I did. And most importantly, she reminds me that we’re raising children and not robots programmed to follow my every command.

Nearly all leadership books are written for the business world, not family life, but home is where it’s most needed. Home is not only a great environment for developing the capacity to lead ourselves it’s also the hardest place to lead yourself and others.

Why?

While at work I lead a lot of employees, at home I’m not a boss and I can’t fire anyone. I don’t have a formal title to hide behind so my family doesn’t have to do anything I say.

I once worked with someone who was in the Army’s Special Forces who said something I’ll never forget. He explained that being a military leader in some respects was easier than being a civilian leader. In the military, he explained, they’ve been trained to follow and execute all orders from their commanders.

Following orders is built into the military’s culture. For civilians on the other hand, it’s different; we don’t have the same culture. It takes more leadership to influence people who are not obligated to follow you.

Don’t take leadership shortcuts.

As leaders, it’s crucial we understand that we can’t force people to act how we want when we want. That’s a good thing because people aren’t robots, right?  

While leading at home we might get a little lazy and act as if we can get by without following the same leadership principles we use at work or in business. And then when things don’t go our way our egos take a big hit and we react.

Respect and loyalty have to be earned; they can’t be bought or forced. And influence and trust are things we have to work for daily and pay for with commitment.

We run into trouble when we depend on titles like boss, father, parent, husband, CEO, President, or Commander to lead.

That’s lazy leadership.

This conversation reminds me of a quote from the greatest movie ever made- Braveheart.

“Men don’t follow titles, they follow courage.”

Image credit: https://heartstonejourney.com

Sometimes at home, I don’t communicate as well as I should. Maybe I don’t show as much respect as I should or I might not demonstrate enough appreciation.

These things happen when I take those closest to me for granted. That’s another example of lazy leadership.

The same leadership principles apply at work and at home, but there’s a slight balancing act we have to perform.

Whether at home or at work people are motivated and moved by the same traits. People react in equal measure to how they are being treated.

It’s like the 3rd law of physics:

 For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So what tool do we have to influence and lead people in the long-term?

There’s a balancing act we can use when going between our professional lives and personal lives. And the main tool we have for leading both at home and at work is love.

Yes, love, is a leadership tool.

I know this sounds a little kumbaya, but after leading different teams internationally now for nearly 15 years in four different countries (Cuba, Japan, Rwanda, and Armenia) this is universal. And after being a family man for about the same time, I have learned this personally and not just from reading leadership books.

The Latin root of the word courage is Cor which means heart. It takes heart leadership to be the type of person others want to follow.

• You need courage to admit mistakes.

• It takes emotional courage to be humble.

• We need emotional courage to listen to constructive or negative feedback.

• Telling people the truth is not always easy especially when you care about them. But leaders who love those around them put their fear aside, grab some courage and tell the truth because they know it will help that person.

Leading at home and leading in the office are the same, but here’s the trick to the balancing act I mentioned earlier. 

We have to lead those we love and love those we lead. 

What does this mean?

Leadership and love go together. It means that at home I have to lead as much as I do at work.  Leadership isn’t a switch you turn on and off. 

It’s easy to love your family, but are you also leading them? Our family members need our leadership more than our employees and coworkers.

But what about at work?

I’m so glad you asked.

I know the idea of loving people at work sounds super weird. But all it means is that we sincerely care for those we are paid to lead and work with. 

Loving your team or employees at work doesn’t mean you’re soft and let people walk all over you like a dirty rug. It means you care enough to mentor or confront when necessary.

When you learn to lead those around you with love all it means is that you want what’s best for them. It means you will make personal sacrifices to help them win, develop them, and counsel them when necessary.

Why?

Because you care.

When people know you care about them they are more likely to listen, work with you, and go out of their way to help you. This reminds me of John Maxwell‘s quote,

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Whether at home or at work when we demonstrate with action and not just words that we care we gain more influence. 

What about your leadership style? Are you leading with fear or with love?