Do You Lead like a Thermometer or a Thermostat?

Do You Lead like a Thermometer or a Thermostat?

by | Leadership

Do You Lead like a Thermometer or a Thermostat?

Photo by Dan Lefebvre

Would you agree that leaders are responsible for creating the right environment? Sometimes, though, leaders do the opposite. 

I recently participated in a week-long leadership training workshop that was actually really good and we didn’t even have to do any of those cheesy trust exercises. 

One exercise I enjoyed was writing our personal leadership vision statements.  This is a short description of our core values, expectations, and things we value that we want to communicate to our teams.

To prepare, we each wrote some ideas based on the things we learned in class and then discussed them in small groups. 

Then at the end of the week, we’d each give a short speech describing our leadership vision statements to the group as if speaking to our actual employees.

One of the participants in my group said his vision statement would include requiring loyalty from his subordinates since this was his core value. I agreed that loyalty is important especially when leading a team.

But I disagreed on we how to get it. 

I’ve learned you can’t force your way to receiving someone’s loyalty. And you can’t buy it either.

After a lengthy discussion, one of the things our group agreed on was that to get loyalty you have to show it first. But this doesn’t just apply to loyalty.

This applies to all those positive traits we want to see in others.

Think of it this way:

A thermometer shows us the temperature, right? But a thermostat regulates the temperature so when a room gets too hot or too cold it brings it back to level you had pre-set.

Leadership works the same way.

The traits we went to see in the people we work with (or even live with) like loyalty, commitment, integrity, honesty, etc are all things we have to show first. You can’t just demand it, or manipulate your way into having it.

It won’t work in the long-term.

It’s the leader’s responsibility to decide what the temperature will be in that environment. That’s what leaders do.

We initiate.

If the leader doesn’t show these positive traits then it’s unlikely others will do it voluntarily. Like John Maxwell says,

“Everything rises and falls with leadership.”

Does this mean that people will always respond how we want? No way. There’s no predicting or controlling how people will react.

However, as leaders we are responsible for being the catalysts. Leaders are responsible for initiating and modeling the behavior they want to see in others.  

Leaders are the thermostats in the room. 

If you want to be respected, show respect. 

If you want loyalty, be loyal first.

If you want honesty, be honest.

If you want the people around you to have integrity then become a person of integrity.

Waiting for others to act first won’t get you very far.

 So, is your leadership style more of a thermometer or a thermostat?

 

 

The Gift of Criticism

The Gift of Criticism

by | Self-Awareness

The Gift of Criticism

Photo by Wade Austin Ellis on Unsplash

 

My wife and I have this routine where she does most of the cooking and I do the cleaning. But she has super high standards (really- mine are just too low) for cleanliness.

So, if I finished cleaning the kitchen, but the dining table was still a little dirty, or things were left out of place, or if one thing is left undone I’ll hear about it.

And when she mentions it, I can feel criticized and even personally attacked. If caught off guard, I can get defensive.

I don’t like being criticized. Most of people don’t like negative feedback, right?

It’s taken me a long time to understand that negative feedback and criticism aren’t necessarily bad. It’s our interpretation that makes it bad.

And criticism doesn’t mean that you’re being personally attacked.

In fact, the way we respond to criticism has more to do with our own self-awareness and past experiences than with the actual event.

I once heard someone say, “I wanted to marry a cheerleader, but I married a coach.” Most of us want to surround ourselves with people who are constantly praising and reminding us of our greatness (maybe this more for men).

Most people would be fine with listening to empty praise rather than the hard truth if it hurts. And when reality doesn’t meet our expectation, our attitudes change for the worse. 

However, listening, accepting, and acting on negative feedback is crucial for self-improvement. I’ve noticed that high achievers regardless of the industry surround themselves with people they can learn from and not just people who flatter them.

For example, Warren Buffet describes his business partner, Charlie Munger, as the smartest person he’s ever met.  Buffet partnered with someone who MAKES him better and not someone who just makes him FEEL better.

While in high school, coach Dean Smith from UNC Chapel Hill sent MJ a long list of things to improve in his game before starting university.  Could you imagine if MJ had said, I don’t need your criticism?

When Coach Dean Smith passed away MJ said,

“Other than my parents, no one had a bigger influence on my life than Coach Smith. He was more than a coach — he was my mentor, my teacher, my second father,” 

Coach Smith challenged MJ on and off the court.

One of the most interesting things I’ve heard about MJ from his previous coaches in books and documentaries is that he was the most coachable athlete they’ve ever seen.

MJ constantly worked with the best coaches to add new skills. His “gift” wasn’t just athletic ability, but his willingness to be coachable– listening to feedback.

Regardless of who you are, if you want to get better it’s critical that you not only listen to criticism, but seek it out.

Instead of taking criticism so personally think of it as a gift that goes towards your improvement.

It’s really sad when leaders start to think they know it all or that they don’t have any improvements to make. Leaders must be intentional about encouraging feedback from their circles.

If you want to grow in any area, you’ll need to embrace feedback. But if you’re okay where you are then just keep doing what you’re doing.

 I was watching a video from Bishop TD Jakes where he was talking about living with criticism when he said something that really hit me. He said, 

“If you don’t want to be criticized, don’t do anything.”

I don’t know anyone who likes criticism, but if all we do is geared towards avoiding criticism we’ll remain in this cute bubble of lies without personal growth.

Leaders more than anyone else need to embrace criticism. 

 Criticism is part of the game.

Don’t shy away from taking responsibilities, making tough decisions, or changing things that can be improved due to concerns with being criticized or the possibility of failing.

Embrace the criticism. How, you ask? 

Whenever someone like a boss, a friend, or my wife wants to share “constructive feedback” I don’t want to hear it. But you know what I do?

I remind myself to “shut up” and listen for the truth. Take the truth and ignore the rest.

Criticism is like bad tasting medicine. It tastes terrible going down, but it’s good for you.

My virtual mentor, Eric Thomas, said recently on his podcast, 

“It’s not what you are good at that stops you from going to the next level; it’s what you need to work on that’s stopping you.”

 So, how receptive are you to criticism even when it’s delivered in a not-so-nice way?

 

Are You Living Life on Your Terms?

Are You Living Life on Your Terms?

by | Personal Development

Are You Living Life on Your Terms?

Photo credit- Edu Lauton

Whenever I meet someone who is crushing life I get so pumped. It’s contagious.

Seeing someone — in person and not just on a screen — who is living life on their terms is inspiring and encouraging. Are you one of those people?

I recently met someone like this.

I’m not a dog lover, but I promised my daughter she could have a SECOND dog.  I had given her what I thought was an impossible athletic (tennis) goal and she reached it!

So now I have keep my promise! I think one day she’ll be playing against Naomi Osaka!  

Anyways, back to my story…

So, my family and I visited a German Shepherd breeder’s house located in this secluded area on a dusty road on the outskirts of Pretoria (in South Africa).  We were greeted by this friendly older woman named Christel and her two large German Shepherds that were behind a fence in the front yard.

After playing with 3 German Shepherd puppies Christel brought for us, my daughter picked the calmest one of the bunch.

After paying and going over the paperwork, my wife and I engaged in some friendly conversation with the breeder. With a huge smile on her face, Christel said she was originally from Belgium, but loved living in South Africa.

In South Africa, she explained, she could live her dream life (facilitated by a lower cost of living possibly). What’s her dream life, you ask?

She said she always wanted to live near her children and now her two daughters, and grandchildren, lived next door. 

My wife and I would love to stay close to our daughters too one day so we could relate to her joy.

There are so many quotes about “dreaming big” and “reaching for the stars”, but maybe we we’ll be happier if we just identify what we really want instead of superficial stuff that other people want.

When was the last time you asked yourself-

What makes YOU happy?

Sometimes we aim for goals that aren’t really important in the long-term or we might choose things only to impress others.

Even worse, we might pursue things only because that’s what other people want.

Forget about what other people want. Let’s be selfish for a bit.

What do YOU want?

How do YOU want to be living 5 years from now?

What will give you more life fulfillment?

This woman didn’t seem like a multi-millionaire, but she seemed to be truly living her dream life. 

Have you spent any time this year thinking about your ideal life and what tiny steps you can take today to get there? We invest so much time watching media (news, social media, Netflix, etc) but what’s our Return on Investment for that?

As we approach the end of year, don’t forget to invest some time reflecting on what you want to see more of next year in your life. Take out a journal and write about your ideal future, the things you’d like to accomplish, and what actions you can take to move toward that vision.

Living life on your terms doesn’t have to be some crazy goal. But it does require we know what we want.

So, what does living life on YOUR terms look like to you?

 

 

 

One Thing A Podiatrist Can Teach Us About Boundaries

One Thing A Podiatrist Can Teach Us About Boundaries

by | Self-Awareness

One Thing A Podiatrist Can Teach Us About Boundaries

                    Photo by Martin Olsen

I recently met with a podiatrist due an old foot injury that’s been acting up. As the doctor was started to describe the results from my x-ray he noticed me staring at my cell phone. I had started scheduling an Uber pickup before he started speaking, but for some reason it didn’t go through, so I kept trying.

At that point, the podiatrist looked at me and said,

 “I don’t enjoy speaking to phones.”

He then asked, or maybe demanded is more accurate, that I put phone my away. 

He was an older gentleman and I didn’t see a cell phone or a computer in his office so maybe he was anti-tech. Regardless, he made it clear that he didn’t like his patients using cell phones while he’s speaking to them.

Despite being a little upset by the way he spoke to me, I agreed and put my phone away.

Why?

Because he was right; I should have given him my undivided attention. I was paying him to help me after all. 

This reminds me of something I heard in the audiobook called “The Compound Effect” by Darren Hardy. While the book is jam packed with practical personal development advice without the fluff there was one thing that stood out.  

There’s a section where Hardy says,

“You get out of life what you tolerate.”

In other words, if you tolerate being disrespected people will disrespect you.

If you tolerate people showing up late to your meetings they will stroll in whenever they want.

If you’re okay with gossiping in the workplace, then people will bring you gossip (and gossip about you too).

You get the point. But this can get deeper.

One of the major differences between us and animals is that human beings can easily adapt to different types of environments whereas animals cannot. You can go from the tropics, to the desert to the arctic and be just fine, but animals can’t adapt.  

But our adaption is a double-edged sword because it also means we can just as easily adapt to negative stuff.

For example, we can get used to toxic relationships, soul-sucking jobs, toxic relationships, or not taking risks due to fear.

 At times, we have to examine our lives with a microscope to really see what’s going on beneath the surface.

So, what can we do?

Two quick things come to mind:

First, we have to be honest with ourselves to know if we’re willfully tolerating things we shouldn’t. Study your life, especially the things you don’t like about it and understand what role you play.

The second thing we can do is communicate our boundaries, expectations, and what we want. You have to advocate for yourself and know what you DO want. 

If something is happening you don’t like are you doing something about it or just staying quiet it to be nice and avoid conflict? 

Without knowing and communicating what your boundaries are we invite unwanted issues into our lives.

I know I asked a lot of questions, but let’s wrap up with one more. I can’t help it; I love good questions. 

Are you tolerating things from yourself or others that you know you shouldn’t and if so why?

 

What’s the Difference Between A Reason and an Excuse?

What’s the Difference Between A Reason and an Excuse?

by | Self-Awareness

What’s the Difference Between A Reason and an Excuse?

HAVE YOU EVER thought about what’s the difference between a reason for not doing something and an excuse?

 

I was listening to my absolute favorite podcast “Secret to Success” when the three hosts were talking about reasons and excuses we sometimes use to justify slacking off or quitting.

The hosts drop so many gems on each podcast that sometimes they don’t have enough time to focus on one idea no matter how brilliant.

On this particular episode, they briefly compared reasons and excuses and that’s when I started thinking about the difference between the two.

For example, in the past two months I’ve only been to the gym about three times. 

Since moving to South Africa, I had to start a new job, get my wife and kids settled in, work on getting my dog shipped to South Africa (super difficult in case you’re wondering), finding an internet provider, buying a used car, and a bunch of other stuff.

Plus, by the time I get home after work, it’s time to talk to my kids and wife, eat dinner, and then get the kids into bed. I’m too exhausted to even think about going to a gym in the evenings.

These are all valid reasons why I haven’t been able to hit the gym as much as I should.

But when I put this situation under a microscope I see something else. I realize those reasons are actually excuses.

An excuse and a reason can BOTH be true and that’s why we can so easily deceive ourselves.

While I haven’t found time to go to the gym nothing is stopping me from doing a 15-minute exercise routine at home. I can do push-ups, sit ups, go for a jog in morning, do jumping jacks, etc.

There’s a lot I can do at home without going to a gym.

But telling myself I don’t have time or that I haven’t adjusted to my new schedule it gives me something to blame other than myself.

And that’s when I realized valid reasons turn into excuses when we allow those mental obstacles to convince us not to take action.

It’s in that subtle moment when we chose to accept an obstacle, setback, or disappointment as the reason why we can’t do something that we cross the territory from reason to excuse.

Recently, I was teaching my kids the importance of being persistent and not giving up too easily so I decided to show them a YouTube video about Nick Vujicic’s life. 

Born without arms and legs, Nick is motivational speaker whose has inspired and brought hope to millions of people around the world.

Aided by one tiny foot, Nick uses it for typing, shaking hands, and gripping things. Even more amazing, Nick can also skateboard, play golf, surf, swim, and even play the piano.

As I watch Nick do these things, I can’t believe it!

Nick, and his parents, could have easily accepted the “disabled” label and count the valid reasons to not even try, but instead he chose not to accept those limitations. He fought back against the temptation to create excuses by focusing on what he did have and what he could do.

Nick didn’t cross over into excuses territory.

How many times have we given up, or even worse, not tried something because our mental calculation had already figured out the math to turn those reasons into valid excuses?

Valid reasons can lead to real excuses, but only if we allow them.

The next time you convince yourself you can’t do something or that you shouldn’t even try ask yourself if those are reasons or excuses.

Try to catch yourself in the moment.

So, is there any area in your life where you’ve let honest reasons turn into valid excuses for not attempting to accomplish something you really wanted?