Have you ever worked hard on something only to fail miserably? Later on, did you discover some valuable lesson thanks to that experience? With the right mindset, leaders can find advantages in failing.
Last weekend, I paid someone to help me build a huge trampoline for my kids. After about three hours of interpreting the hieroglyphics-like instructions, screwing things, and making good progress we were almost finished. Then, when attaching the final part, a safety net, I realized it didn’t line up correctly.
We had to dissemble the ENTIRE thing because the foundation was installed incorrectly. By the now, I was alone because the guy I paid to help left.
Argh!
I unscrewed everything, and started reading the instructions again, but I was feeling confident.
I got this!
About half way through, I noticed something else was wrong. But this time, I didn’t have to start from the beginning since the foundation was fine. It did, however, cost me more frustration and the unscrewing of a bunch of parts.
Argh!
By my third attempt building the trampoline form hell, I was even more confident because I knew all the pitfalls. I was moving so fast you’d think I was a pro at building these contraptions.
Failing is an awful feeling. I’m not going to fake it.Starting over because you failed can feel like a total waste of time, an annoyance, or a major disappointment.
No one likes failing or making mistakes, but sometimes these experiences are a gift. One of my favorite peeps, Zig Ziglar loved to remind people that,
“Failure is an event and not a person.”
We need occasional reminders of our humanity. Despite all of the gadgets and tech that consume our lives we’re not robots- yet. Failure is a major part of our learning experience.
What makes failure so bad isn’t necessarily what happened, but how we react to it. Our reaction to failure is based on our perspective. If you treat it like the end of the world then it’ll feel like the end of the world.
Leaders with that bounce-back ability can shake it off, learn from the bad, and keep moving forward. Those are inspirational leaders.
Failure produces clarity.
It’s impossible to be successful without tasting failure.
People with a growth mindset succeed thanks to what they’ve learned because of their failures. Failure can be a stepping stone that bring us closer to success because it also gives us an opportunity to learn what doesn’t work. The more action we take the clarity we have.
Failure brings confidence.
Each time I messed up building this trampoline while it was disappointing, I also had more confidence. The confidence came from knowing how far I had come and what I did accomplish.
I made so many mistakes during the writing and publishing of my first book Leader by Choice that it’s embarrassing. But thanks to those lessons learned I know with confidence that my second book will be easier to write, market, and publish.
This is the finished trampoline. I’m just a big kid.
Failure builds resilience.
Resilience is the muscle of recovering and adjusting to misfortune. And like any muscle, the more you work it out the stronger it gets.
The ability to recover and persist despite setbacks is crucial. Failure gives us another opportunity to work out our resilience muscle. These are prime experiences we shouldn’t let go to waste by ignoring and not reflecting on.
As a culture, we place a lot of attention on success at the expense of overlooking the advantages of failing. We celebrate the achievements while minimizing the stumbles, failures, and setbacks.
The growth comes from exploring our failures, taking more risks and creating more opportunities where failure is possible instead of just avoiding it. I’m not taking about careless or dumb risks; I’m referring to things that bring us closer to edges of our comfort zones in areas that truly matter.
Asking for a raise
Starting that business you’ve been thinking about
Asking that guy/girl out on a date
Writing that book you’ve wondering about
Pitching that idea at work
Can you image how life would change if you looked for more opportunities where you had a chance of failing?
I remember reading how Elon Musk’s first company failed, but one of the things that people kept asking about was a service he had created to collect payments. It wasn’t a revenue producing part of the business necessarily; it was something Musk created to collect payments from customers.
That thing people were asking about eventually became Musk’s next company. Paypal. This change in direction happens so often in Silicon Valey’s business world that they’ve named it a “Pivot.”
When things don’t go as planned instead of saying we failed maybe we can start saying we’re making a pivot in the direction of the new opportunity.
[UPDATE: 08/29/20 I wrote this post a while back, but today I learned that Chadwick Boseman, the actor who played the role of the Black Panther passed away, and several other real-life African-American heroes passed away from a battle with colon cancer. Rest in Peace, brother.]
If you haven’t seen Black Panther, don’t worry there aren’t any spoilers in this blog post. But if I had one word to describe it would be SPECIAL and not just because of the all-black cast and the action scenes. It’s due to the leadership lessons I picked up throughout the movie. I don’t know if this is what the writers wanted to communicate, but I found seven timeless leadership principles in the film.
1. Lead with love, not authority. In the film, King T’Challa (the Black Panther) sought to lead his Kingdom with love and honor. But the dude who wanted to takeover wanted to lead by force with authority. The more I think and write about leadership the clearer it is to me that Leadership = Love in action. True leadership is more of a process by which love is communicated in such a way that it brings out the best in others and helps them move forward, gain influence, or change a particular situation. If you’re depending on your position (or authority) to lead it’ll only work in the short-term. People will do what you say because of your title, but what happens when you’re not around? When your leadership depends on your authority, you treat people like robots and not humans.
Money, authority, and power don’t make people loyal to you. Loyalty can’t be forced, and it’s not for sale, but you can get it for free with love, respect, trust, compassion, and integrity. Today, real authority comes from having character and integrity and not from one’s position or title.
2. Decide what type of leader you are. There’s a scene were T’Challa’s is upset and talking to his mother about a mistake his father–the former King–made years ago which has now affected his kingdom. Putting a stop to his pity party, T’Challa’s mother says, “You decide what type of King you will be.” Regardless of your circumstances, your haters, and your problems YOU decide what type of leader you get to be. You have the power to be a Leader by Choice! But you have to be intentional about that decision instead of leaving it to your feelings, popular opinion, or culture. Be intentional about your leadership; don’t leave it to chance.
3. Lead with Vision and not Sight. I like the quote, “Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it” by Edmund Burke, but leaders can’t stop with just knowing the past. Leaders make tomorrow better than yesterday. The moment when T’Challa decides what type of king he wants to be, he’s simultaneously creating a new legacy for himself and his country. I read an anonymous quote recently which said, “A man who does not have vision always comes back to his past.” When you know the legacy you want to create, you can use vision to help you connect the dots towards the direction you want to go. If you only focus on what you see you’ll get distracted. That’s why need vision and not just sight.
4. Don’t be neutral all the time. There are times I wished I wasn’t in a leadership position at work, or the leader in my home, or someone who lectures on leadership. Why? Because it means I’m holding myself to a higher standard that is hard to meet. Leadership is hard and taking responsibility is not always fun. It’s much easier to avoid having those problematic conversations or making unpopular decisions or having an opinion that goes against the norm. But leadership is not a popularity contest.
I’m reminded of Les Brown’s quote, “In life, if you do what is easy life will be hard, but if you do what is hard life will be easy.” I can’t say life will be “easy” but over the long term, it’s “easier” when I do the hard stuff which at times means sticking with my core values and principles even when others disagree. Conflict, when handled correctly and without ego is NOT a bad thing. In fact, it can be liberating.
5. Leaders build leaders. Somewhere in the bible, I read, “Every tree is known by its fruit.” I think this means you will be known by the type of people you’re helping to build. As a parent, I’m preparing my kids to thrive when I’m no longer around. Leadership is the same. Are you developing those around you? Are you helping the people you manage/coach/teach to become better at what they do? If you’re not leaving a legacy by preparing the next generation of leaders then what are you leaving behind?
6. Let others shine. One of the things that makes this film stand out is that all the characters have an opportunity to shine in their own way. While T’Challa is the BOSS, the others have a different, but crucial role in the story but it doesn’t feel forced like in other films. In the Black Panther, they’re all given an opportunity to shine using their own skills and strengths. Secure leaders bring out the best from those around them, recognize their accomplishments, and aren’t worried about being outshined. It’s only insecure leaders who are threatened by the success of others.
7. Good leaders can make bad decisions. In the film, T’Challa’s father, while he was king, made a mistake and kept it hidden. I’ve yet to meet someone who hasn’t made any mistakes. Even great leaders make mistakes, and that’s okay as long as they learn from them, take responsibility, and apologize when necessary. There are few things worse than people who don’t recognize their own mistakes or weaknesses and pretend they’ve got it together in all areas. In the end, they come off as super insecure.
For the past few years, one of the most important things I’ve been doing between November and January is having some “me time” to reflect on the past year and plan the for the next 12 months. And I’m not talking about “New Year’s resolutions.” I gave up on resolutions years ago for one simple reason — they don’t work!
Well, at least not for me.
Recently I’ve read several articles on the importance of reflecting on our experiences whether professional, personal, positive or negative and the impact they have had on us. Don’t underestimate the importance of taking some time to reflect on where you are, what you learned, and where you want to go.
Reflecting could be as simple as writing down (journaling) what you learned after a difficult (or exciting) experience, or what you’ve accomplished in your career over the past year.
It doesn’t have to be complicated or long. The goal is to sit down, write your thoughts often and in the process, you will gain a more meaningful and balanced understanding of what’s going on in your life.
One of the most important questions you can ask yourself, especially nearing the end of the year or the beginning of a new one is,
‘What do you really want?’
It might sound too simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s not effective. I suspect a lot of people don’t really know what they want. They know what they don’t like. But knowing what you don’t want is not the same as knowing what you do want.
Knowing what you don’t want is important, but it’s only half of the puzzle. The other half is knowing what you do want and even then you still need clarity which is where most of stop.
For example, maybe you know you have to change your diet, do more cardio exercises (like me), or sleep more (me again!).
But that’s not clear enough. Without a clear understanding of what you want it’s difficult to see it and to get after it.
Instead of wanting to eat healthier, a better objective is to eat at least two servings of vegetables with lunch and dinner at three times per week.
See the difference? I can just see and taste the veggies…
Instead of just saying ‘I want to sleep more’ get more specific. How many hours of additional sleep do you need? By when you need to go to bed?
I will sleep a minimum of 7 hours per night by shutting down electronics at 9:00 PM, and be in bed by 9:30 pm and will set my timer for 7 hours.
See why clarity is so important? The clearer you are about what you want the easier it is to plan for it.
Clarity helps you focus. Take some time to get clear on what you want over the next 12 months. Your future self will thank you.
Have you ever thought about how you want to be remembered when you’re gone? I know it sounds really morbid and serious to think about but it’s also one of the greatest ways to unleash a phenomenal life.
This topic reminds me of the time I met the Reverend Jesse Jackson for an event at work. He gave a short speech and stuck around for some Q&A. As someone who marched side-by-side with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I had to take advantage of this opportunity so from the back of the room, I asked,
“What’s one thing you learned from Martin Luther King, Jr. about leadership that we can all apply?”
Immediately, Rev. Jackson said,
“Martin Luther King Jr. led from the front.”
He explained that Dr. King led marches from the front. He was the first person to get arrested, (29 times in fact), and he was always the first in harm’s way.
In other words, Dr. King sacrificed himself before asking his followers to do the same.
It’s hard to imagine it today, but in the late 1960s, Dr. King was described by critics as an agitator, troublemaker, a rouser, a sellout, a radical, a communist, and many more colorful expletives even from African-Americans who did not support his views on civil disobedience and nonviolence.
But out of all those names, one stood out to me.
Radical.
Using himself a model, Dr. King called people to live a life of radical love and service. Following in the footsteps of the radical he was named after – the German theologian Martin Luther (who sparked Protestant reformation with his “95 Theses”)—King would lead a reformation of the heart.
Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if he were still alive. However, I remind myself that it’s a waste of time to think about since he left us a simple blueprint to follow.
It’s so simple, in fact, we can easily dismiss it. It’s called Servant Leadership.
There’ll never be another Dr. King, but thanks to his blueprint there doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to lead a civil rights movement, receive a Nobel Prize, or be in a leadership position to make a difference or make an impact.
All you have to do is serve.
With the smell of death on the horizon — just weeks before his assassination–, Dr. King beautifully eulogized himself with these words,
“If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don’t want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long… Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize—that isn’t important. Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards—that’s not important. Tell them not to mention where I went to school.”
When you listen to this talk the passion, clarity, and authority in his voice is so powerful you can feel it in your bones. And then as if needing to take his speech to the next level he says,
I’d like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others”
Dr. King was a pastor, a Nobel laureate, family-man, a scholar, and a civil rights iconled from the front, but if you insist on labels use the one he settled for “a drum major for peace.”
I recently communicated with a college student who asked this question. I’ve heard this question so many times I feel like I’m going to explode!
This topic reminds of something that happened when I went shopping with my wife to help her look for a birthday gift for a little girl. We were looking for a t-shirt with a unicorn. And after just a few minutes of searching in the mall, I gave up and went to the men’s department to look for something for myself. As I walked to the rear of the store I noticed a cute pink t-shirt with a unicorn on it.
I immediately texted my wife,
“I found it!”
The search for passion is similar to my experience shopping.
The best way of finding your passion is by not looking for it and going after what you really care about.
Whether you’re in college, out of college, or in your 40’s it applies equally.
Our culture has become so obsessed with idea that you have to “find your passion” to have a career, to be happy, and to ride unicorns into the sunset. But you have a better chance of finding your passion when you stop looking for it.
‘Find your passion’ makes for a great blog post title and a great commencement speech, but aside from that, it’s impractical when it comes to searching for your vocation or work that really matters.
Let me explain…
Searching for one’s passion hasn’t worked for anyone I’ve ever met in real life. I’m not saying it can’t be done or it isn’t real, but there are other ways of finding work that matters or is engaging.
I’m about to share what has worked for me and real people I know as opposed to famous people who give commencement speeches.
1. Look for Pain, not Passion
The people I know have focused on addressing a pain or some problem they felt compelled to solve. After committing to do something about that problem the passion developed over time. Career coach Dan Miller says,
“Passion is something you discover after you’ve started something.”
Passion wasn’t there from the beginning. It may come later, but time is better spent identifying a pain (or problem) you are curious about solving. There’s purpose in pain.
At the beginning, most people start with an interest and not a passion. Am I saying that passion is not real? No. Not at all. But you have to do something and have experiences in order to have enough time to get a sense of what really interests you.
Passion only shows up after you commit to an interest and become consistent.
These famous people who give inspiring commencement speeches who preach about finding your passion actually committed to something first, had some failures, made some adjustments, but they kept going.
The road to success people talk about is not really a straight path, but an unpaved, winding, dirt road that looks more like an obstacle course. This reminds me of the Japanese proverb,
“Fall down seven, get up eight.
Okay, so where do you start? Here’s what I figured out. Just start with your interests even if more than one. But why you ask? Your action removes doubt. The more action you take the more clarity you will get.
For example, personally, it has always pained me to see people with tons of potential waste it. That’s why I really enjoy coaching, leadership development, and mentoring. I want to see people do more than they thought possible. What about you?
What bothers you the most?
What problem do you feel especially interested in addressing?
What drives you crazy?
You don’t have to solve world hunger. Take baby steps and volunteer somewhere, intern or just talk people in the fields you’re curious about.
At this point in your life you’re not looking for a lifelong commitment, but an opportunity to experiment, learn and gain new experiences.
2. Look for what makes you come alive.
Theologian Howard Thurman said,
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do that because what the world needs are people who have come alive.”
He’s right!
Which activities, subjects or issues get you the most excited? And by excitement, this can also mean anger or hyped up.
So what issue or problem makes you the most upset or motivated to do something? What social issues or problems drive you crazy?
The problem is most people assume that PASSION = HAPPINESS. That’s not always the case.
You can be passionate about addressing some problem, helping people overcome some challenges like addiction, or you’re just angered by abuse or discrimination. Doing work that brings out your passion does not mean you’ll be overcome with happiness while you’re doing it.
Instead of happiness, I’m finding fulfillment, which lasts longer.
3. What’s your gift (maybe God-given)?
I love public speaking, but not just any type. I love inspiring, encouraging, and mentoring people. But I didn’t know I was good at this until people started telling me. Colleagues would ask me where I learned to speak and how many years I had been practicing.
Public speaking is one of those things that I’m naturally good at but compared to best I’m still a baby in terms of how much I have to learn.
But the point of all this to stay that maybe you have some ability or talent that you’re really good at. Maybe there’s something that comes naturally to you but is difficult for others. This reminds me of a quote from John Maxwell who said,
“God’s gift to me is my potential. My gift back to God is what I do with that potential.”
When I speak encouraging words, I get this feeling unlike anything else. It feels like time stops. I love building leaders who go out make an impact and not just an income.
4. Whom can you serve?
Another reason why passion seekers get stuck, frustrated, and even more lost is because they’re too focused on themselves. One thing that has really helped me is understanding whom I can best serve with my gift and interests.
Where I am now is not where I started.
My first job out of high school was coaching a middle school basketball team. It wasn’t until years later that I realized how much I enjoyed leading and mentoring young people. That experience was one of the clues in helping me uncover who I loved to serve and how.
So who are you most interested in helping or serving?
Put all these things together, answer these questions and gradually you’ll start to find clues about what’s motivating you internally. External motivation is good, but the power is really in intrinsic motivation because that’s what will keep you going.
But here’s a warning:
Even after discovering my strong interest in public speaking, communication and leadership development it still took commitment, deliberate practice, and courage to step out and do it over and over and over and over again.
There’s more to this than just ‘finding your passion.’
In the end, my wife didn’t buy the unicorn t-shirt but we found something much better for the little girl. Forget about passion for the moment and focus on what you can contribute, experiment, and then stick with something long enough for the passion to develop.
If you don’t like it you can move on to the next thing.
In my book Leader by Choice, I go into more detail not just on passion, but how to find your mission, your vocation (work that really matters to you), and self-leadership.
