The Gift of Criticism

My wife and I have this routine where she does most of the cooking and I do the cleaning. But she has super high standards (really- mine are just too low) for cleanliness.

So, if I finished cleaning the kitchen, but the dining table was still a little dirty, or things were left out of place, or if one thing is left undone I’ll hear about it.

And when she mentions it, I can feel criticized and even personally attacked. If caught off guard, I can get defensive.

I don’t like being criticized. Most of people don’t like negative feedback, right?

It’s taken me a long time to understand that negative feedback and criticism aren’t necessarily bad. It’s our interpretation that makes it bad.

And criticism doesn’t mean that you’re being personally attacked.

In fact, the way we respond to criticism has more to do with our own self-awareness and past experiences than with the actual event.

I once heard someone say, “I wanted to marry a cheerleader, but I married a coach.” Most of us want to surround ourselves with people who are constantly praising and reminding us of our greatness (maybe this more for men).

Most people would be fine with listening to empty praise rather than the hard truth if it hurts. And when reality doesn’t meet our expectation, our attitudes change for the worse. 

However, listening, accepting, and acting on negative feedback is crucial for self-improvement. I’ve noticed that high achievers regardless of the industry surround themselves with people they can learn from and not just people who flatter them.

For example, Warren Buffet describes his business partner, Charlie Munger, as the smartest person he’s ever met.  Buffet partnered with someone who MAKES him better and not someone who just makes him FEEL better.

While in high school, coach Dean Smith from UNC Chapel Hill sent MJ a long list of things to improve in his game before starting university.  Could you imagine if MJ had said, I don’t need your criticism?

When Coach Dean Smith passed away MJ said,

“Other than my parents, no one had a bigger influence on my life than Coach Smith. He was more than a coach — he was my mentor, my teacher, my second father,” 

Coach Smith challenged MJ on and off the court.

One of the most interesting things I’ve heard about MJ from his previous coaches in books and documentaries is that he was the most coachable athlete they’ve ever seen.

MJ constantly worked with the best coaches to add new skills. His “gift” wasn’t just athletic ability, but his willingness to be coachable– listening to feedback.

Regardless of who you are, if you want to get better it’s critical that you not only listen to criticism, but seek it out.

Instead of taking criticism so personally think of it as a gift that goes towards your improvement.

It’s really sad when leaders start to think they know it all or that they don’t have any improvements to make. Leaders must be intentional about encouraging feedback from their circles.

If you want to grow in any area, you’ll need to embrace feedback. But if you’re okay where you are then just keep doing what you’re doing.

 I was watching a video from Bishop TD Jakes where he was talking about living with criticism when he said something that really hit me. He said, 

“If you don’t want to be criticized, don’t do anything.”

I don’t know anyone who likes criticism, but if all we do is geared towards avoiding criticism we’ll remain in this cute bubble of lies without personal growth.

Leaders more than anyone else need to embrace criticism. 

 Criticism is part of the game.

Don’t shy away from taking responsibilities, making tough decisions, or changing things that can be improved due to concerns with being criticized or the possibility of failing.

Embrace the criticism. How, you ask? 

Whenever someone like a boss, a friend, or my wife wants to share “constructive feedback” I don’t want to hear it. But you know what I do?

I remind myself to “shut up” and listen for the truth. Take the truth and ignore the rest.

Criticism is like bad tasting medicine. It tastes terrible going down, but it’s good for you.

My virtual mentor, Eric Thomas, said recently on his podcast, 

“It’s not what you are good at that stops you from going to the next level; it’s what you need to work on that’s stopping you.”

 So, how receptive are you to criticism even when it’s delivered in a not-so-nice way?